Men are forever complaining that we’re out to change them. And do we get any thanks for it? If you happen to be with a man that is perfect in every shape and form – there isn’t a single thing you’d change about him if a genie popped out of nowhere and offered you the chance to do just that – then either you’re very, very lucky or, face it girl, you’ve been lying to yourself. The harsh fact of the matter is: men are, by design, faulty. And they adore us so much not just because we have boobs, but because deep down inside – they need our help.

Problem is, we’re just really bad at giving them the guidance they so badly need. Whenever we embark on a mission to better our men, we screw up so badly they end up resenting us, or worse, ignoring us. We go about it all wrong. We make them feel bad about themselves, take away all the fun, do little to hide our disappointment when they fail dismally and, even when they’ve changed so much to please us they barely recognise themselves in the mirror, we crack open that old chestnut: you’re not the same man I fell in love with. They can’t win, so they stop trying.

The shame is that women are natural teachers – it’s a biological fact. Even the most uneducated, socially inept woman from the most backward village in the world knows how to teach her child that he’s not going to get fed if he keeps biting her hand. Yet the most intelligent of those amongst us can’t relay the simple message to her lover: your appearance is unappealing, your attitude stinks and the way you carry yourself is unacceptable. If you carry on like this… You. Are. Not. Getting. Sex.

You’ve heard other girls moan they have to treat their boys with kid’s gloves – we say: good. All those tricks that mothers use and patience they apply to stop their boys from turning into socially retarded ruffians are inherent among all of us – be we mother of ten or toddler-hating teen – and we need to apply these skills to get what we want: a better man.

But you can’t change a man, you say. If his mother didn’t raise him properly to start with, what hope have we of succeeding? Maybe she did, but don’t forget: men need constant training. That’s why they love the gym so much, because it’s all too easy for them to let themselves go and forget all the hard work they put in.

A man is much more likely to go back to bad old habits – be it smoking or sleeping around – than a woman. They need to train their mind and review their ways constantly to keep them on the straight and narrow. It’s just that the poor little dears don’t know it.

We can change them, but the trick is not to show it. If they catch on to what we’re up to, mission failed. Here’s a step-by-step guide on how to upgrade your man without risking shutdown and ending up with a brand new model.

It’s not going to be easy but remember, it’s for his own good!

LESSON 1 Looks are everything
None of us are as attractive as we appear without make-up. But far from this being a matter of deceit, we’re actually making the effort to look good for him at the same time as feeling good about ourselves. Looking after your appearance isn’t a fickle, superficial pursuit. It’s a physical show of esteem. Now, if you point this out to him, he’ll hear: you aren’t good looking. I don’t fancy you anymore. So instead, buy him treats such as moisturisers, exfoliators and spot creams, then turn on the girlie bottom lip if he won’t use them. He’ll abide by your wishes if he thinks it’ll please you (but they’ll go in the bin if he senses you expect him to!). Encourage a beauty regime by making it fun. If, for instance, the routine involves him playing with his tubes while watching you soaking naked in the tub, there’s more call for him to forego the Xbox and join you morning and night. And don’t forget to occasionally throw in the magic mantra: You look really handsome today. Your skin looks so fresh I want to lick it.

LESSON 2 Grooming is not gay
Assuming you’ve had success with the above, thereby allaying his fears that using beauty products might change his sexuality overnight, he’s ready to take the next step – the salon. Words such as ‘pedicure’ and ‘manicure’ flood a man’s very soul with unmanly jitters, so don’t let him catch on that’s what you have in mind for him. Even if you suggest a day in the spa together, he might have his suspicions. So instead, tell him you’ve got a fun day planned for the two of you – it’s a surprise so all he’ll have to go on is intrigue. Once you get him in there and he gets the full works, he’ll realise what all other men who succumb to salon treatments have long worked out – it’s bloody great being pampered.

LESSON 3 Shopping is not boring
There are some things we hate just because we’ve always heard others say so. A lot of girls who’ve never even had a boyfriend cite the toilet seat debacle as a pet hate but really – it’s not a big deal. They leave it up so they don’t wee on the rim we have to sit on. Same thing goes for men and shopping. They’ve grown up thinking it’s boring and their fears are confirmed when they find themselves shuffling their feet outside the dressing room… while you shop. Next time you ask him to come shopping with you (plan it around pay day and don’t let the cat out of the bag by saying you’re going shopping for him), suggest it’s only fair he gets something out of it. Then cunningly, guide him to the men’s store of your choice then coo over all the trendy threads you long to see him in, telling him he deserves to treat himself once in a while. Be sure to keep telling him you see pretty girls checking him out whenever he dresses up the way you like it.

LESSON 4 Style is head to toe
Khabi Mirza, Fashion Editor of Drapers, advises: ‘A sharp haircut is a must. It doesn’t matter how much money you spend on clothes, your whole look will collapse if you have hair that lies dead on your head and, more criminally, cheap looking shoes. Whether you’re going for the casual look or a sophisticated look, you must invest in stylish, top-of-the-range trainers or smart shoes – always pick brown over black – that look the business. And never confuse classy with expensive. If you’re a complete fashion doofus, there are plenty of style magazines for men out there to guide you through the shoe store maze.’  

LESSON 5 Mind his manners
Now that he looks the part, the first thing to do is to re-educate him in the way he behaves. Whether he’s an academic or a dropout, there are some things that he’s never learned or, more likely, forgotten. The worst offense is etiquette. If, for instance, he eats like a pig – ban eating on the sofa and always make a meal of things around the dining table; complete with candles, napkins and even a dress code. Tell him you fancy the posh lifestyle and, seeing as he can’t afford to take you to The Oxo Tower every night, he’ll happily oblige. Get a book on etiquette and leave it in his bogside reading pile.

LESSON 6 It’s not helping
Women make the mistake of pleading: I wish you’d help round the house. Nonsense. Help insinuates thanks should be given and doing households duties should be precisely that – his duty. But to be fair, we don’t help them see the error of their ways and it’s nigh on ridiculous that so few men know where the laundry basket is kept. As long as you continue to pick up his socks and fold his shirts, the longer he’ll keep asking you to go fetch. Don’t be militant about refusing to do his chores – that way argument lies – simply stop doing it. When a man works out things won’t be handed to him on a plate, he soon learns that he has to get up and do it himself. And don’t criticise the way he does things too much. He’ll only start taking pride in how he does things if he’s allowed to do them his own way.

LESSON 7 The feminine touch
Asking a man overloaded with bravado to tap into his feminine side is as pointless as asking us to give a monkeys about the offside rule. A good game (and boys love games) is to play role reversal. You agree to read one of his books on boxing legends, as long as he reads something like Women Are From Mars, Men Are From Venus. The object of the game is to test the other on how much you’ve both learned from your designated literature. This means you, in turn, have to be prepared to learn and be tested, but don’t worry – the object is to let him win. Once he’s in the habit of paying attention to the girlie point of view, get him into Closer magazine! He may hate gossiping about tittle tattle now, but he’ll soon see it generates conversation and a happy discussion leads to a happier seduction!

LESSON 8 Can’t we just be friends?
Forget the man/woman divide you’ve come to accept. As long as you expect him to be the man, he’ll slot you into his definition of what he sees as the role of a woman. The best way to get a man to see your point of view is by approaching every new subject as a friend would. Not only will this put him at ease, he’ll be happier to discuss the ins and outs of your suggestions with you. Make it a two way thing. Turn off the TV, switch off the phones and get into the habit of pen and paper resolutions, where you draw up lists of pros and cons. Keep them constructive and don’t go off in a huff if he writes something you don’t like reading or he’ll do the same.

LESSON 9 Sort yourself out
A good teacher won’t get her pupils respect if she fails to do as she says. Avoid the accusation of hypocrisy being pointed at you by bettering yourself in all the areas you know he thinks you could do with improving. For everything you ask of him, give him adequate guidance and a positive review afterwards – and ask him to do the same for you. What you’re proposing is give and take, not expect and comply. Think debate rather than argument, ideas rather than rules, and ultimately, a better life for both of you.